HOW TO RAISE BAD CHILDREN

So much has been talked about parenting these days, gorillas, abductions, neglect, affluenza teen, shootings,  etc.  I have a plan for those that want to raise a bad child.  Just get it over with and do not have any expectations.

First, you have to decide which type of bad kid you want: a thug/punk, a scared totally dependent, an overachieving alcoholic drug addict, a promiscuous ho, or just stupid.

Thug kid

  1.  To have a thug or a punk, be sure and ignore their friends and what they do.  It isn’t your business. Let them act out in public.
  2. Let them dress in gang colors.  God forbid you don’t let them express themselves. They can get tats, piercings and saggy pants.
  3. Make no remarks about grades, that is shaming.
  4. Do not call the police if they steal, beat up people. Videotape the fight.  They kicked ass!
  5. Let them talk to you any way they want, they are just expressing themselves. Curse back.
  6. Demonstrate thug behavior in their presence. That Tupac shirt looks cute on a 40 year old.
  7. Be the fun parent that smokes pot with their kid and gets arrested too.

Scared kid/totally dependent

  1.  Do not let that child out of your sight.  The world is scary.
  2. Tell them the perils of every activity they will do.
  3. Do their homework and be sure and micromanage everything.  They can’t do it.
  4. Tell them you will protect them at all times
  5. Intervene at every conflict. They can’t handle this.
  6. Help them find a job and call the boss often.
  7. Do not let them make any decisions without you.
  8. Bail them out of any problem or legal mess.

Overachieving alcoholic kid

  1.  Ground them for not making straight A’s.
  2. They must have an activity every night to be well rounded.
  3. They must win at all costs.
  4. Give them Ritalin when they aren’t ADHD to enhance performance.
  5. Your life revolves around their success. Guilt is a good thing.
  6. Tell them they must get into Harvard or Princeton or they suck.
  7. Ignore the drinking and drug use, they need to relax.  Their grades are good.
  8. Tell people how great the kid is and list their achievements.  Everything is conditional in this house.

Promiscuous kid

  1.  Dress them like little hos.  They can have a boyfriend at 11, why not?
  2. Do not criticize the inappropriate music or videos.
  3. Do not supervise their interactions with the opposite sex. Close the door to the bedroom.
  4. Be sure and let men or woman lay up in your house.
  5. Don’t pay attention to them.  They can fend for themselves.
  6. Ask about their school day.  See any cute boys?
  7. Focus on their looks and sex appeal.
  8. Dress provocative yourself.  Who wants to look 40?
  9. Do not bitch when she is knocked up or your son has a baby mama.

Stupid

  1.  Do not teach the child anything.  That is what school is for.
  2. Do not help with school work.  You are busy.
  3. Every time the kid messes up tell them how stupid they are.
  4. Do not have anything educational in the house.
  5. Don’t use big words you might get it wrong.
  6. When they ask questions, tell them I don’t know.  Why do you need to know that?
  7. Do not acknowledge good grades.  Nerds don’t get laid.
  8. Have keggers and fun stuff at the house.
  9. Tell them it is okay to drop out of school.  You need money in the house.
  10. Act stupid yourself.

 

If you want a different kid do the opposite.