HOW TO RAISE BAD CHILDREN

So much has been talked about parenting these days, gorillas, abductions, neglect, affluenza teen, shootings,  etc.  I have a plan for those that want to raise a bad child.  Just get it over with and do not have any expectations.

First, you have to decide which type of bad kid you want: a thug/punk, a scared totally dependent, an overachieving alcoholic drug addict, a promiscuous ho, or just stupid.

Thug kid

  1.  To have a thug or a punk, be sure and ignore their friends and what they do.  It isn’t your business. Let them act out in public.
  2. Let them dress in gang colors.  God forbid you don’t let them express themselves. They can get tats, piercings and saggy pants.
  3. Make no remarks about grades, that is shaming.
  4. Do not call the police if they steal, beat up people. Videotape the fight.  They kicked ass!
  5. Let them talk to you any way they want, they are just expressing themselves. Curse back.
  6. Demonstrate thug behavior in their presence. That Tupac shirt looks cute on a 40 year old.
  7. Be the fun parent that smokes pot with their kid and gets arrested too.

Scared kid/totally dependent

  1.  Do not let that child out of your sight.  The world is scary.
  2. Tell them the perils of every activity they will do.
  3. Do their homework and be sure and micromanage everything.  They can’t do it.
  4. Tell them you will protect them at all times
  5. Intervene at every conflict. They can’t handle this.
  6. Help them find a job and call the boss often.
  7. Do not let them make any decisions without you.
  8. Bail them out of any problem or legal mess.

Overachieving alcoholic kid

  1.  Ground them for not making straight A’s.
  2. They must have an activity every night to be well rounded.
  3. They must win at all costs.
  4. Give them Ritalin when they aren’t ADHD to enhance performance.
  5. Your life revolves around their success. Guilt is a good thing.
  6. Tell them they must get into Harvard or Princeton or they suck.
  7. Ignore the drinking and drug use, they need to relax.  Their grades are good.
  8. Tell people how great the kid is and list their achievements.  Everything is conditional in this house.

Promiscuous kid

  1.  Dress them like little hos.  They can have a boyfriend at 11, why not?
  2. Do not criticize the inappropriate music or videos.
  3. Do not supervise their interactions with the opposite sex. Close the door to the bedroom.
  4. Be sure and let men or woman lay up in your house.
  5. Don’t pay attention to them.  They can fend for themselves.
  6. Ask about their school day.  See any cute boys?
  7. Focus on their looks and sex appeal.
  8. Dress provocative yourself.  Who wants to look 40?
  9. Do not bitch when she is knocked up or your son has a baby mama.

Stupid

  1.  Do not teach the child anything.  That is what school is for.
  2. Do not help with school work.  You are busy.
  3. Every time the kid messes up tell them how stupid they are.
  4. Do not have anything educational in the house.
  5. Don’t use big words you might get it wrong.
  6. When they ask questions, tell them I don’t know.  Why do you need to know that?
  7. Do not acknowledge good grades.  Nerds don’t get laid.
  8. Have keggers and fun stuff at the house.
  9. Tell them it is okay to drop out of school.  You need money in the house.
  10. Act stupid yourself.

 

If you want a different kid do the opposite.

 

 

Affluenza teen

Ethan Couch barely got 2 years in jail, not prison.  If it were you or me, and we killed 4 people and injured others drunk off our ass and under age to drink, we would not have been given probation.  If we ran to Mexico to avoid violating the terms of our probation, we would not get 4 180 day sentences.  We have people doing 10 years for smoking pot.  Imagine if Ethan was black.  He couldn’t use the affluenza defense, but no one uses the “ghetto defense”.  If you are too rich to know right from wrong, why can’t you be too poor to know right from wrong?  Surely his parents wealth could have provided the best schools with the best peers, counselors, enrichment activities.  The poor ghetto kid seeing crime in the front yard and no enrichment program to go to and a lousy school.  He may get counseling if his parent has medicaid and he can find a counselor to take it and has a way to get there.

His mom faces 10 years.  I hope she serves every day.She took her son to Mexico.  She planned it and paid for it. Just so he wouldn’t do a few days in jail.  Why didn’t she run him to mexico to a treatment center when he was underage and drinking? No that would have been the responsible thing to do.

 

First page of my novel

I finally have started my novel on my career as a therapist.  I will post exercpts from time to time and hope you will critique it.  I will try to be as honest as possible without giving away any client privledged information.  I also will shed light on various diagnosis, failed treatments, modalities.  I hope to have me grow as a person and learn as I write.  Many people go into this field wanting to save the world.  They have no clue.  The textbooks do not tell you about assessments in the hood, walking the park to engage the homeless, going into homes to look after children,  watching people detox,  doing therapy in a soup kitchen and jail.  It is a journey for me and for my clients. I also apologize to my first clients that I learned with and hope they got better anyway.

And don’t get me started on insurance billing.  They don’t touch that.

How to tell if you are an alcoholic

Most places give you long screenings and ask a bunch of questions.  It comes down to this.  When you go out to drink and plan on having two drinks, do you have two drinks?  When you drink, do you black out?  Have you ever acted in a way that you are ashamed?  Do you drink in secret?

The reason I ask these questions is that when you are planning an activity and you can’t stop. Non alcoholics can predict the outcome of their drinking.  They have a drink and leave.

Normal drinkers do no black out.  A black out is when you have a period of time that you do not remember what you did.  You cannot recollect anything.

Normal drinking does not cause you to act like an ass.  If every time you drink you act like an ass, you probably should not drink.

What we do in secret we do not want people to know about and why don’t you want people to know how much you drink?  If you drink normally you are out in the open. Your alcohol consumption is not a problem that someone would mention to you. If people comment on your drinking, you do it in secret so they won’t comment.

I hope this clears it up.