HOW TO RAISE BAD CHILDREN

So much has been talked about parenting these days, gorillas, abductions, neglect, affluenza teen, shootings,  etc.  I have a plan for those that want to raise a bad child.  Just get it over with and do not have any expectations.

First, you have to decide which type of bad kid you want: a thug/punk, a scared totally dependent, an overachieving alcoholic drug addict, a promiscuous ho, or just stupid.

Thug kid

  1.  To have a thug or a punk, be sure and ignore their friends and what they do.  It isn’t your business. Let them act out in public.
  2. Let them dress in gang colors.  God forbid you don’t let them express themselves. They can get tats, piercings and saggy pants.
  3. Make no remarks about grades, that is shaming.
  4. Do not call the police if they steal, beat up people. Videotape the fight.  They kicked ass!
  5. Let them talk to you any way they want, they are just expressing themselves. Curse back.
  6. Demonstrate thug behavior in their presence. That Tupac shirt looks cute on a 40 year old.
  7. Be the fun parent that smokes pot with their kid and gets arrested too.

Scared kid/totally dependent

  1.  Do not let that child out of your sight.  The world is scary.
  2. Tell them the perils of every activity they will do.
  3. Do their homework and be sure and micromanage everything.  They can’t do it.
  4. Tell them you will protect them at all times
  5. Intervene at every conflict. They can’t handle this.
  6. Help them find a job and call the boss often.
  7. Do not let them make any decisions without you.
  8. Bail them out of any problem or legal mess.

Overachieving alcoholic kid

  1.  Ground them for not making straight A’s.
  2. They must have an activity every night to be well rounded.
  3. They must win at all costs.
  4. Give them Ritalin when they aren’t ADHD to enhance performance.
  5. Your life revolves around their success. Guilt is a good thing.
  6. Tell them they must get into Harvard or Princeton or they suck.
  7. Ignore the drinking and drug use, they need to relax.  Their grades are good.
  8. Tell people how great the kid is and list their achievements.  Everything is conditional in this house.

Promiscuous kid

  1.  Dress them like little hos.  They can have a boyfriend at 11, why not?
  2. Do not criticize the inappropriate music or videos.
  3. Do not supervise their interactions with the opposite sex. Close the door to the bedroom.
  4. Be sure and let men or woman lay up in your house.
  5. Don’t pay attention to them.  They can fend for themselves.
  6. Ask about their school day.  See any cute boys?
  7. Focus on their looks and sex appeal.
  8. Dress provocative yourself.  Who wants to look 40?
  9. Do not bitch when she is knocked up or your son has a baby mama.

Stupid

  1.  Do not teach the child anything.  That is what school is for.
  2. Do not help with school work.  You are busy.
  3. Every time the kid messes up tell them how stupid they are.
  4. Do not have anything educational in the house.
  5. Don’t use big words you might get it wrong.
  6. When they ask questions, tell them I don’t know.  Why do you need to know that?
  7. Do not acknowledge good grades.  Nerds don’t get laid.
  8. Have keggers and fun stuff at the house.
  9. Tell them it is okay to drop out of school.  You need money in the house.
  10. Act stupid yourself.

 

If you want a different kid do the opposite.

 

 

Most common marriage issue

Communication.

You spend the first few months enthralled at everything they say and find the jokes witty.  You ignore the little things that normally make your flesh crawl.  You expound on the wonderfullness of the other person.

Then you reside together either through cohabitation or marriage.  You notice he doesn’t put the towels up.  She leaves her dishes out.  He goes out without telling you.  She wears ugly sweatpants to bed.  You don’t bring it up.  It festers.  Then boom you have a fight and everything comes up at once.  They don’t understand because you never said anything before now.

Rules for cohabitation:

  1. Make a household budget and 3 accounts.
    everyone should have some of there own money.
  2.  Make a list of household chores and decide who does them.
  3. Each person has a bathroom to call their own and a space.
  4. You make decisions about children, discipline, visits.
  5. Elderly parents who cares for who?
  6. You have a weekly meeting to discuss the household and what is getting on your nerves.
  7. If you need space, ask for it, but give a time frame.
  8. Remember no one reads your mind.
  9. Say I fee _____________ when you _____________.
  10. Always and never and fine are not used.  No one is good or bad all the time and we all do things sometimes.  Plus fine stands for f’ed up, insecure,neurotic and emotional.
  11. Say what you mean.
  12. Paraphrase what the other person says.
  13. Don’t threaten to leave or throw someone out when you aren’t going to do it.
  14. Say something nice everyday to your person.
  15. Do not hit, throw things, break things or use insults.
  16. Do not tolerate such behavior.

 

another super tuesday.

The value of your home state.  The old adage goes if your own people don’t love you why should anyone else.  No one has ever been elected without carrying their home state.  Kasich is ahead in Ohio, but Rubio’s future in Florida is not guaranteed. He is a first term senator that did not win by a lot in a 3 man senate race.  He was in the state senate for a little while.  He may do well among cubans, but his gang of 8 may go against him.  I hope he does win Florida and Kasich wins ohio.  I also hope Cruz takes one of the other states.  Trump needs his wings clipped.

A new ad with all the awful things he said about women is being released.  I hope it resonates with woman voters of either party.  We won’t be talked about this way and a defeat of someone who does that should move womans rights forward.  A win will set us back to 1950 and people will think they can say and do whatever to woman.  We already have laws being passed to protect rapists and give domestic batterers privledges to own guns.  This is scary to me.  Why not put money to speed up the process of rape kits?  Why not give guns to the victims?  Why blame woman for the assault and rape?  Do you really think Donald Trump would find any of these issues a priority, especially woman of color?  He hasn’t even treated his own wives well and has made sexual references to his daughter.

Women are expendable commodities to him to be traded when they are no longer useful to him as sex objects.  Then he whines about how much the divorce costs.  Do you hear much about Tiffany Trump?  You never see her at campaign events.  He treats her like dirt.  He pays for her college and makes his obligations, but that is all.

Go vote today.  Do not let misoginy win out.

Babies that arent yours

You marry someone with 7 grandchildren. They have babies. I love babies. I am great grandma. Then you get reminded of the late great biological grandmas. You will be the one to hold cuddle, knit and buy gifts for.  Is it okay to be step grandma, if the other grandma is deceased?  I am the only great grandma the child will know. I don’t really want to be a step.  It seems so less than.  I understand if the biological grandma is still around.  Your place is to be the bonus grandma.  There is no bonus. I know when I hold the babies they wish it was their grandma holding their child.  The baby cooes at me.  My husband and I hold it together.  He loves it. I love it.

I get introduced as this is my Grandpa and his wife.  I feel like an appendage.  If their Grandma was alive, it would be this is my Grandpa and Grandma.  I never had step grandparents so I don’t know the rules in the world of blended families.  My kids don’t call my husband Dad because their Dad is alive, but they don’t say this is my mom and her husband.  They say this is my Mom and Dave or my Mom and my stepdad Dave.

I try to keep the peace.  Do they want me to treat my biological children better?  I try to treat them all the same.   I don’t say this is Dave and his kids, his grandkids.  I say this is my family and introduce them by name.  Am  I wrong?

I had a client that came in with a pile of kids age 1 to 12.  She introduced them as this is my child by birth and these are my children by choice.  I love that woman.  Those kids will flourish in her home.