Most common marriage issue

Communication.

You spend the first few months enthralled at everything they say and find the jokes witty.  You ignore the little things that normally make your flesh crawl.  You expound on the wonderfullness of the other person.

Then you reside together either through cohabitation or marriage.  You notice he doesn’t put the towels up.  She leaves her dishes out.  He goes out without telling you.  She wears ugly sweatpants to bed.  You don’t bring it up.  It festers.  Then boom you have a fight and everything comes up at once.  They don’t understand because you never said anything before now.

Rules for cohabitation:

  1. Make a household budget and 3 accounts.
    everyone should have some of there own money.
  2.  Make a list of household chores and decide who does them.
  3. Each person has a bathroom to call their own and a space.
  4. You make decisions about children, discipline, visits.
  5. Elderly parents who cares for who?
  6. You have a weekly meeting to discuss the household and what is getting on your nerves.
  7. If you need space, ask for it, but give a time frame.
  8. Remember no one reads your mind.
  9. Say I fee _____________ when you _____________.
  10. Always and never and fine are not used.  No one is good or bad all the time and we all do things sometimes.  Plus fine stands for f’ed up, insecure,neurotic and emotional.
  11. Say what you mean.
  12. Paraphrase what the other person says.
  13. Don’t threaten to leave or throw someone out when you aren’t going to do it.
  14. Say something nice everyday to your person.
  15. Do not hit, throw things, break things or use insults.
  16. Do not tolerate such behavior.

 

Advertisements

Babies that arent yours

You marry someone with 7 grandchildren. They have babies. I love babies. I am great grandma. Then you get reminded of the late great biological grandmas. You will be the one to hold cuddle, knit and buy gifts for.  Is it okay to be step grandma, if the other grandma is deceased?  I am the only great grandma the child will know. I don’t really want to be a step.  It seems so less than.  I understand if the biological grandma is still around.  Your place is to be the bonus grandma.  There is no bonus. I know when I hold the babies they wish it was their grandma holding their child.  The baby cooes at me.  My husband and I hold it together.  He loves it. I love it.

I get introduced as this is my Grandpa and his wife.  I feel like an appendage.  If their Grandma was alive, it would be this is my Grandpa and Grandma.  I never had step grandparents so I don’t know the rules in the world of blended families.  My kids don’t call my husband Dad because their Dad is alive, but they don’t say this is my mom and her husband.  They say this is my Mom and Dave or my Mom and my stepdad Dave.

I try to keep the peace.  Do they want me to treat my biological children better?  I try to treat them all the same.   I don’t say this is Dave and his kids, his grandkids.  I say this is my family and introduce them by name.  Am  I wrong?

I had a client that came in with a pile of kids age 1 to 12.  She introduced them as this is my child by birth and these are my children by choice.  I love that woman.  Those kids will flourish in her home.