So much has been talked about parenting these days, gorillas, abductions, neglect, affluenza teen, shootings, etc. I have a plan for those that want to raise a bad child. Just get it over with and do not have any expectations.
First, you have to decide which type of bad kid you want: a thug/punk, a scared totally dependent, an overachieving alcoholic drug addict, a promiscuous ho, or just stupid.
- To have a thug or a punk, be sure and ignore their friends and what they do. It isn’t your business. Let them act out in public.
- Let them dress in gang colors. God forbid you don’t let them express themselves. They can get tats, piercings and saggy pants.
- Make no remarks about grades, that is shaming.
- Do not call the police if they steal, beat up people. Videotape the fight. They kicked ass!
- Let them talk to you any way they want, they are just expressing themselves. Curse back.
- Demonstrate thug behavior in their presence. That Tupac shirt looks cute on a 40 year old.
- Be the fun parent that smokes pot with their kid and gets arrested too.
Scared kid/totally dependent
- Do not let that child out of your sight. The world is scary.
- Tell them the perils of every activity they will do.
- Do their homework and be sure and micromanage everything. They can’t do it.
- Tell them you will protect them at all times
- Intervene at every conflict. They can’t handle this.
- Help them find a job and call the boss often.
- Do not let them make any decisions without you.
- Bail them out of any problem or legal mess.
Overachieving alcoholic kid
- Ground them for not making straight A’s.
- They must have an activity every night to be well rounded.
- They must win at all costs.
- Give them Ritalin when they aren’t ADHD to enhance performance.
- Your life revolves around their success. Guilt is a good thing.
- Tell them they must get into Harvard or Princeton or they suck.
- Ignore the drinking and drug use, they need to relax. Their grades are good.
- Tell people how great the kid is and list their achievements. Everything is conditional in this house.
- Dress them like little hos. They can have a boyfriend at 11, why not?
- Do not criticize the inappropriate music or videos.
- Do not supervise their interactions with the opposite sex. Close the door to the bedroom.
- Be sure and let men or woman lay up in your house.
- Don’t pay attention to them. They can fend for themselves.
- Ask about their school day. See any cute boys?
- Focus on their looks and sex appeal.
- Dress provocative yourself. Who wants to look 40?
- Do not bitch when she is knocked up or your son has a baby mama.
- Do not teach the child anything. That is what school is for.
- Do not help with school work. You are busy.
- Every time the kid messes up tell them how stupid they are.
- Do not have anything educational in the house.
- Don’t use big words you might get it wrong.
- When they ask questions, tell them I don’t know. Why do you need to know that?
- Do not acknowledge good grades. Nerds don’t get laid.
- Have keggers and fun stuff at the house.
- Tell them it is okay to drop out of school. You need money in the house.
- Act stupid yourself.
If you want a different kid do the opposite.